New stuff....

I have this trend of making just enough money for the things I need and always having a giant guilty conscious when I purchase something I truly want. Lately I have purchased things that kind of sit right in the middle of that at things I want and need. A great example is new tires for my car and my laptop. I am enjoying my laptop so much as it helps me get school work done while doing my actual paying job. Chris can sit next to me and do homework and ask questions while I work on papers, research, study guides, case notes, whatever.

This has led me to be very grateful for the strides I have made in becoming an independent person. My life isn't perfect yet and I am not without debt but I bought my lap top and tires, free and clear. It's nice to know that once you pay for something, it is truly paid for. It's nice to know that you can go home and visit family and not be skipping a bill to do so. Financial things are getting better and I am becoming the woman I really want to be with money.

By the way, I should note in here as well that I have a plane ticket purchased to go home for christmas!!!! I am way excited. I miss my Indiana peeps!

Well, I should get off here and do more 8th grade algebra.

-- E --

Good Morning Jesus

This morning on my way back from taking Chris to school, I had a long talk with Jesus. I am overwhelmed with major school stuff, a fairly new relationship, hundreds of tasks around the house, appointments and meetings, presentations and calls, and the list goes on. This morning I just gave it all to Jesus and asked that he would help me to do my best not for all those waiting in the audience but for HIM.

I realized this morning after spinning my wheels incessantly, it really is all about HIM. I care to please HIM in the long run. I care about being a great therapist because it is what HE called me to. I care about being a good girlfriend and eventually wife to the man HE provided for me and wants me to love. I care about doing well at my job because I want to bring glory to HIM in Chris and Richard's life. Where did my perspective go wrong when I started trying to please everyone else but HIM?

I decided I would stop and get breakfast to take care of my body, drink a bunch of water, and take a shot and just get my list together for the day, realizing that it's all about HIM anyway. Time with him is the essential "chore" and should feel like anything but. Have a great day and try to keep your perspective that it's all about HIM!

-- E --

Anxiety!

Have you ever studied something so long that your mind feels like jello? Well, I have. I could care less at this point what the difference is between Avoidant Personality Disorder and PTSD. I would rather just listen to my launch radio and chill for a week or so. I am tired. I am exhausted, anxious, worried, stressed, and overwhelmed. This tuesday I have the privelage of presenting in two classes, turning in an assignment in one class, and a test in another. YUCK!!!

Lately I have been really having a hard time with anxiety. I am anxious about so many things from my next 3 year plans to what to have for dinner and how many fat cells it might put on my thighs! I really need to make a distinct priorities list and start working toward some serious goals instead of letting them get too much of me.

I am getting ready to have a very big week. I have a therapy appointment, a vet appointment to take mimi to, a doctor appointment to take Chris to, a tb test reading to take Chris to, a session with my client, 9 hours of class, 40+ hours of work among some other tasks which are different in nature. These are getting new tires, an eye doctor appointment, getting a new laptop, buying some Christmas gifts, and of course spending time with my wonderful companion in life, Anthony.

Speaking of, those of you who have been praying for Anthony to find some temporary employment in the midst of his search for his goals or dreams...he has a job now for Pavillions (grocery store out here for you Indiana folks) doing the night stocking job. I am fine with this because it's time I would be sleeping anyway and we can spend time together in the day or on his days off. I just want him to be making some money and moving toward his goals.

Well, I should get going as Anthony has constructed a genius level exam for me to take to prepare for my real exam on tuesday. What a great boyfriend I have! Have a great rest of your weekend!

-- E --

Lifestyles of the struggling and unknown

I discovered over the last few days and even more so today that I can't afford the lifestyle I sincerely want to live. I know a lot of Christians are really picky about how other believers spend their money and to that I say, mind your business. I really like things. I am not materialistic in that if my family or loved ones are struggling, I help first thing. I am not overly concerned with what others have because I like people who are real. The problem is, I like nice clothes, expensive jewelry, acrylic nails, name brands, great shoes, and cosmo magazine. I like to have style and I will spend the money to have it.

I am reasonable in that I don't purchase things I can't afford. I don't buy chapstick until my last stick is gone, that is how meticulous I am about my money. However, I do go out to eat and have great food, order the best wine, and have the largest cell phone plan and sweet cell phone! I plan to one day make the money to back up my more than just these small pieces but I wince to think of what my life will look like until then. I struggle even to pay the bills and then when I do, I feel immense relief. I am going to have so much fun when I do what I love for the money I need and desire. Life will be good. Until then, beans are good for dinner.

--E--

Missing people

Lately I have been going through a lot of feelings of loss. I know that this time of year I turn into a bit of a sap because Christmas makes me think of people who aren't in my life anymore but this year, it started early. Here I come, approaching Halloween and I can't take my mind off my grandpa, my grandma, old friends, and lost relationships. I am broken in thinking about the people I have lost due to death, angry confrontations, broken promises, and just plain old loss of contact.

Today, I heard that my old friend (would have been the maid of honor in my previous wedding) is pregnant with a little girl and will give birth any day now. I think in my mind I always imagined being at her baby shower, picking out baby stuff with her, touching her pregnant belly, and loving that child like my own. I don't even know her anymore. I haven't talked to her for approximately 5 years and it breaks my heart.

Then there is Adolfo. We aren't even friends now and it hurts to think about sharing your life with someone for SOOOO long and then not even having a friendship with them. I know it's unrealistic but ideally...I would have loved it. I am terrified about spending so much time with people and investing so much just to be years down the road, weepy in front of my computer and wishing they were around.

Then there are some who are unmentionable where things have just fallen apart due to new relationships and inappropriate contact and my heart aches. It sincerely does.

Anyway, I think that missing people is hard for me right now. Loss is huge and I have to give it time.

-- E --